RIP

Don’t bother me; I’m in mourning.

Oh, don’t worry. I’m not mourning the loss of a person I love. I don’t know anyone who has recently died. As far as I know, all of my loved ones are alive and kicking.

No, what I’m mourning is the loss of (sob) sushi.

The other morning Bill was reading the news as he does every morning from his iPad. If he runs into something he finds particularly interesting or something that he thinks I might find particularly interesting, he will relay to me basically the headline without even looking up from his reading.

That is, for example, how I found out about Broncos Coach Gary Kubiak resigning. A simple oh, that’s interesting; Kubiak is quitting the Broncos from Bill. There is a bombshell like this casually recited to me nearly every day. But none has hit me quite as hard as his recent oh, that’s interesting; you can get tapeworms from American salmon.

Wait, what? He looked up.

Yes, he went on. I guess salmon from Japan has always had the possibility of tapeworms, but now they have discovered tapeworm larvae in wild salmon from western United States.

Which is basically where American restaurants and grocery stores get all of its salmon. OMG. Tapeworms.

Instantly, flashbacks to an episode (oh hell, it might have been three or four episodes) of the television show House flashed through my mind. I could clearly remember the patient’s symptoms. I could scarcely forget the vivid shots of the GIGANTIC tapeworm in House’s patient’s stomach.

“What publication are you reading this in?” I asked him frantically, hoping with all my might it was from The Onion, or maybe something from Glenn Beck.

“USA Today,” he said. Rats. Not crazy enough to be wrong.

I have subsequently seen articles from CNN, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune…. I could go on and on. (Don’t say on and on. It reminds me of a tapeworm.)

I became agitated, and immediately began considering my personal stomach issues and how/if my symptoms are similar to those related to having a tapeworm. I quickly decided they weren’t for reasons I will spare you from reading. But that didn’t mean it couldn’t still happen.

If I continue eating salmon nigari sushi or spicy salmon rolls. Which I won’t. At least not until they figure out a way to eradicate tapeworm forever from salmon. Frankly, I may never eat fish again.

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Rest in Peace

Actually, the articles go on to say generally speaking, having a tapeworm isn’t that bad. YES IT IS. They also go on to say that if the fish is cooked thoroughly or frozen, the tapeworm larvae is killed. BUT IT’S STILL THERE. I DON’T WANT IT THERE, DEAD OR ALIVE.

Life as I know it has changed forever, or until someone figures out how to rid all salmon of tapeworm larvae. After all, if we can put a man on the moon…….

3 thoughts on “RIP

  1. Honestly, if I thought long and hard about what I’m eating with any protein it would all be over for me. That’s why I often say what one of our little cousins used to say. I only eat salmon sushi from a factory.

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