Changes in Attitude, Indeed

It’s these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same.
With all of our running and all of our cunning
If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane. – Jimmy Buffett

When I’m in Denver, I listen almost exclusively to sports radio when I’m in my car. It’s true that the talk is All Broncos, All the Time, but that’s okay. I – apparently along with many other people – can’t get enough scuttlebutt about our football team.

How can you not want to listen to sports analysis when you have situations such as John Elway signing former Colorado State University quarterback Nick Stevens to the Broncos’ roster despite telling fans and players that under no circumstances would he have four quarterbacks on the early roster?  I’m pretty sure the day he announced that the spunky Stevens would be competing for the QB spot, our first round draft pick from a few years ago Paxton Lynch – a QB who to this point has inspired exactly no one — broke out in a little tiny sweat. He might have even checked to see the length of his apartment lease. What he should be doing is checking the length of his throws.

At any rate, I enjoy hearing the different viewpoints and banter among all of the sports analysts on the station. What I don’t enjoy, however, are the commercials.

There are about three categories of commercials. You have your real estate ads. I can deal with those. You have your ads for divorce lawyers who specialize in figuring out ways to prevent men from having to pay alimony. They get under my skin a bit. And you have your erectile dysfunction ads, including testimonials. Oh, for the love of all that is good! I’m always surprised, by the way, that these macho sports announcers seem completely comfortable telling the world about their sexual deficiencies. They must get paid a lot of money.

However, a new category has recently been added. There is now an ad being played about 17 times an hour on this station for a product that prevents hair loss. The fact that there are ads for hair loss prevention products doesn’t surprise me. Men hate going bald. What amuses me is that the spokesman for these ads is Snoop Dogg……

It appears to me that the 46-year-old Snoop Dogg has a pretty good reason for advocating this product. His forehead definitely seems a bit large. Having said that, I must admit that I haven’t spent a lot of time following Mr. Dogg’s hairline. Still, I literally laugh out loud every time I hear him – in his urban dialect, no less – proclaiming the good news about the prevention of hair loss. It’s a sign of the aging of America.

But another sign is equally amusing. I came across the notice on Facebook. Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Buffett is opening retirement centers in – where else? – Florida. The first one will open late this summer in Daytona. It will be called – wait for it – Latitude Margaritaville. It will provide the opportunity for the 55-plus community to have a place where they can lay back, drink umbrella drinks all day, and never have to remove their parrothead hats…..

Good for Jimmy Buffett. He’s not willing to give up a life of fun despite being a septuagenarian. What’s more, he wants to share his joy, for a bundle of money, that is. Despite the fact that they are purported to be quite expensive, I would love to put my name on the list for one of the homes.

By the way, from all appearances, Mr. Buffett could stand to use Mr. Dogg’s product.

Sports Talk

football playsLast year when Bec and her two grands were out visiting us in Colorado, we were driving in my car to Estes Park where we were going to go hiking and give Mackenzie and Carter their first taste of snow, present even in the summer on Trail Ridge Road.

As we drove along, Mackenzie said, “Aunt Kris, why don’t you have music playing on the radio?” She was right, of course. No music. I almost never listen to music on the radio. She and Carter, on the other hand, are used to music always playing on car radios whether they’re with their dad – my nephew Erik – their mother Josey, or their nana. They, like my grandkids Joseph and Micah, know the words to I Can’t Feel My Face and Shut Up and Dance With Me.

Don’t get me wrong. I like music. I like a lot of different kinds of music. I enjoy much of the contemporary music; country music pleases me a great deal; when I’m in Bill’s car (which has Sirius radio), I often listen to bluegrass.

But when I’m tooling around in my yellow bug, I listen to nothing but sports talk radio. Go figure.

I mostly like it when I’m in Denver and it’s football season. Then it’s all Broncos, all the time. Or at least all football, all the time. But let’s face it — Colorado is Bronco Country. The sports guys find a way to talk about the Broncos all year long.

Oh, they try to talk about basketball and hockey when the Nuggets and the Avalanche are playing. But there’s simply not a lot you can say about the Rockies once you have mentioned that they have the worst record in MLB.

But I will be honest with you. I have even found the sports talk stations in Arizona. It’s true I can’t listen to Dan Patrick and the Danettes when I’m in Arizona, but I can always find some kind of sports talk. And Sirius has all sorts of sports stations. It’s a good alternative to bluegrass when I get tired of listening to banjo music.

I can tell you for sure that I am not the demographic for whom their programs are aimed. The fact that there are approximately 750 commercials every hour dealing with ED (which, if you listened to sports talk radio, you would know means erectile dysfunction, which apparently is the most serious problem facing the United States of America today. Stop worrying about the terrorists. We have bigger problems, people!).

I can also tell you that there are a lot of double entendre with subsequent, well, giggling, that goes on when a group of men get together to discuss sports. Or likely anything else.

Finally, it is absolutely mind blowing to me how long the sports guys can spend talking about any issue. Seriously, they can spend an easy morning talking about why the Broncos practiced without pads earlier that day.

Nevertheless, I am absolutely riveted to the radio as they talk about coaching styles and play action and the benefits of a shotgun quarterback v. a read option quarterback. I don’t always know what they are talking about. That’s when I call or text Court for interpretations and explanations.

“Hi Son. It’s Mom. Do you think signing Evan Mathis was a good idea since our offensive line is so young or do you think there is a reason that the Eagles didn’t sign him again? Dan Patrick doesn’t think he left the Eagles because of money,” I say to Court.

“Mom, I just left a meeting to take your call because I thought you were going to tell me one of my kids had fallen from the new playhouse and was getting stitches in the head. Do you think we could talk about this later?” replies Court, trying oh-so-hard to be patient.

My brother always says that listening to baseball on the radio is like meditation for him. He finds it relaxing and it calms him. That’s kind of the way all sports talk radio is for me, even with the serious issue about erectile dysfunction (which apparently, according to the advertisements, causes wives all sorts of angst). I’m telling you people, if you or a loved one has any concerns about his performance in the bedroom, give me a call. Discretion is guaranteed.