Nightshades Kill

This past Saturday morning – the day before Super Bowl LII – I think Tom Brady and his wife Gisele greeted each other in the kitchen where she was making them a hearty breakfast shake consisting of protein powder, non-dairy milk, and one blueberry. The Brady’s conversation went something like this:

Tom: Hey, Gisele, what do you think we should do this weekend?

Gisele: Don’t you have that thing this Sunday, Tom?

Tom: Oh, dang. I keep forgetting about that. And then there’s the stupid victory celebration afterwards, where BKraft takes us to a steak house. They never have avocado ice cream at Morton’s.

But then Sunday night after the Patriot’s defeat by the underdog Philadelphia Eagles, after Gisele had finished her glass of white wine in the owner’s box, and after Tom had gotten his massage and showered and dressed and made sure his hair was perfectly coiffed, they met up.

Tom: Tough night, Gisele. I don’t care what you say. I’m saying SCREW IT.  I am going to have me some NIGHTSHADES tonight. You’re not the boss of me.

Gisele: Look at me, Tom. Yes I am.

As I layed forlornly in my Lazyboy recliner covered from head to toe with an afghan despite the fact that the temperature was 80 degrees, I watched some of the pre-SuperBowl fluff. One of the things I watched was an interview with Tom Brady, during which he talked about his mother. He loves his mother. Tom talked about how much it means to him that she was there to watch him play that day. My heart softened. I, too, am a mother.

As I watched, I lazily looked at news that Google has decided I’m interested in on my iPad. One of the stories that appeared as I meandered through the information being fed me was an article in which it stated that Tom Brady has never eaten a strawberry nor drank a cup of coffee in his life.

And just like that – poof — Tom Brady annoyed me once again. I’m really glad he loves his mother, but you can’t trust a human being who has never started the morning with a cup of joe. Has the man never, EVER had a hangover?

Never mind that I’ve been sick for three days with an unending cough, chills, and aches and pains in areas I didn’t even know I had. Don’t try to make me drink a cup of green tea with rose hips and flax seeds for breakfast. And I don’t just want a strawberry. I want many strawberries served over pancakes and covered with real maple syrup. And then maybe some canned whipped cream sprayed on top for good measure. And then some more sprayed directly into my mouth.

It’s hard to argue health with a man who is 40 and still plays football like a college quarterback, and who looks like he’s ready to go through rush at the University of Michigan. Let’s face it: he looks like this…..

…..and I look like this…..

Maybe a bit better on a good day.

Okay, I’ll go along with his meat-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, and flour-free diet. It’s not for me, but I’ll throw him that bone. (Oh, wait, he can’t eat bones either.) But no nightshades? I had to look up what a nightshade was. Here are some nightshade fruits and vegetables: ashwagandha, capsicums, cayenne pepper, curry spice, goji berries, kutjera, tomatillos, all peppers, and most tomatoes.

Tom Brady’s health might be enviable given the fact that he and his Patriot teammates have participated in so many Super Bowls that my 8-year-old grandson Joseph – who lives with his family in Vermont – thinks Super Bowls are just the normal last game of a really long season. But you will have to rip that jalapeno pepper out of my hand before I’ll give it up. Ashwagandha and goji berries, maybe. Mexican food, never.