Well, I Don’t Like Your Tattoos

Following is another Crabby-Get-Off-My-Lawn rant. Proceed at your own risk.

At my recent 45th high school class reunion, one of my fellow classmates told me this story: She was at a clothing store and overheard the conversation of a young couple. My friend was on one side of a rack of clothing and the two people were on the other side, out of her sight. The female of the couple had apparently pulled out a pair of capri pants and her male counterpart sarcastically said, “Oh, those will be great if capris ever come back in style.”

My friend’s reaction was to resist the urge to run over to the other side and grab the man by the throat, shake him like a wet rag, and say, “Oh, listen to me, and listen good. Capris ARE IN STYLE. If I ever hear words like that come out of your mouth again, you will be a dead man. I will hunt you down.”

Well, that might not have been the exact words she would have chosen, but it was her sentiment. And what’s more, I understand completely.  Because here’s the thing: I no longer wear shorts. The world in general should be thankful for that. My knees are wrinkled; my thighs are flabby; I’m nearly 64 years old and my days of wearing shorts have gone the way of the Edsel automobile. Having said that, now that Bill and I spend winters in Arizona, I spend the majority of my time in warm-to-hot weather. I get very hot in long pants. While capris aren’t a perfect answer, they do as good a job as anything of covering my legs but allowing a bit of relief from the heat. They are now – and will forever more be – a part of my wardrobe.

So Get Over It Ms. Millennial.

Facebook users: You know those lists that show up on your Facebook feed? Things like Fifteen Words that Are Always Used Incorrectly, or The 20 Makeup Tips that will Make You Look Like Milania Trump. I’m a sucker for those lists. It takes all of my self-control to stop from looking at each and every one of them.  So of course when I saw these words – 23 Baby Boomer Fashions That Need to Go Away — I couldn’t click on the link fast enough.

What I read made me so annoyed that I found myself yelling at an imaginary Millennial throughout the entire list. I won’t tell you all of her concerns, but here are some of the fashion trends that some 30-something spoiled trust-funder who only eats kale and quinoa and buys all of her clothes from Anthropologie thinks need to go away.

Pants with stretch waistbands: I eat things besides quinoa and kale. Like hamburgers and root beer floats. And since I haven’t tucked in a shirt in 10 years, what difference does it make if my waistband is elastic? Enjoy your spinach and acai berry shake and leave my waistbands alone.

Visors: Ms. Millennial’s command – “Wear a hat!” I don’t want to wear a hat. I look stupid in hats…..

But sometimes I want to keep the sun out of my eyes. I’ll wear a visor whether you like it or not. And stop telling me what to do. You’re not the boss of me.

Fanny packs: “Fanny packs are cute if you do it right. Baby boomers never do it right.” Seriously? There is a right and a wrong way to wear a fanny pack? Doesn’t it just clip around your waist and hang there?

Capris: According to Ms. Millennial, capris are the pants that cut your leg off in the worst place possible. I dare her to say that if she saw where shorts cut off my legs……

I’m entirely at peace where these pants cut off my legs.

Chico’s: Yep, she’s begging baby boomers to eliminate an entire chain store. She asks, “How many flowing cardigan vests do you need?” As many as I want.

Flannel nightgowns: She condemns flannel nightgowns because they make the wearer look like are from Little House on the Prairie. At least Laura Ingalls was warm at night, and so am I.

Merrill shoes for men: Their alleged ugliness offends our favorite fashion guru. I wish I could be around to see whether she is wearing fashionable shoes when she’s 75.

Rain ponchos: Dorky, says Ms. Millennial. Apparently getting soaking wet is better?

She goes on and on with her suggestions as to what fashions should be banned. I remember very clearly when I was younger and wondered for myself at what point I would start thinking it was fine to wear elastic-waisted pants.

It’s now, my friends. It’s now.

This post linked to Grand Social.