A Dog in Every Pot

I came across a very important news article the other day. Since you might not have seen the news, Nana’s Whimsies will be the first to tell you. While we hear about the greed and selfishness of Big Corporation America, one company is putting its customers first.

Forget about curing COVID. Forget about disappearing glaciers. Forget about starving children. Heinz Corporation is about to tackle one of the most serious issues of the day: Why are there 10 hot dogs to a package but only eight buns to a package of hotdog buns. The crisis comes, of course, when there are two leftover hot diggities after the buns have all been used. Unless you have a couple of people who are gluten-free and would prefer to eschew the bun, you will need to buy another complete package of buns, leaving you with six additional buns. And then you will have four leftover hot dogs once the buns are gone. And so on. And so on. And so on, into hot dog infinity and beyond.

It’s called the Big Hot Dog Crisis. Well, at least that’s what I’m calling it.

I am not embarrassed to tell you that I am a big fan of the hot dog. In fact, one of my favorite lunches is the Costco special in which you get a foot-long dog and a Diet Coke for a buck fifty. Or at least it used to be a buck fifty. Hot dog prices may have risen along with everything else. I like mine with ketchup, mustard, onions, pickle relish. Or maybe chili and cheese. Or perhaps a Chicago dog with the works. Any kind will do.

Back to the crisis. According to the National Hot Dog Sausage Council (and who knew that existed and why am I not a member?), the reason for having eight hot dog buns to a package is that sandwich rolls, or hot dog buns, most often come eight to the pack because the buns are baked in clusters of four in pans designed to hold eight rolls. That must be true, because if you can’t trust the Hot Dog Sausage Council, who can you trust?

In July, which is apparently National Hot Dog Month (and nobody told me that or I would have celebrated heartily), Heinz began a campaign called the Heinz Hot Dog Pact that challenges hot dog makers and hot dog bun bakers to agree on the number per package. Heinz suggests the number be 10. Of course, that has nothing to do with the fact that the company is already putting 10 dogs to a pack. As a result, baking companies the world over would have to buy new pans. They might have to bring in the big dogs (get it? big dogs?) to make the decision.

By the way, there is a chance that you will have a few guests at your next hot dog gathering similar to that of my niece Jessie. One time, when she was a little girl, we were together at a barbecue. She asked me for a plain hot dog. I put a hot dog onto a bun, and handed it to her. She looked at me like I had two heads. It turns out that to Jessie, a plain hot dog meant a bun. Period. No dog. She is probably not worried at all about the inequity of the hot dog and the bun. Worse case scenario, she could dip a slice of Wonder bread in some ketchup.

Hot diggity, dog diggity, boom what they do to me!

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