Let Me Tell You a Story ’bout a Man Named Jed, Er, Bill

Every eight weeks, Denver Waste Management has what they call Large Item Pickup. Large Item Pickup is when you can put anything you want (well, perhaps not appliances and certainly not televisions) out on the curb along with your regular trash, recycling, etc., and they will take it away.

I imagine other municipal waste companies have similar activities; however, I doubt there are many people who get as excited about it as Bill. He doesn’t get much more excited about Christmas, and I think he gets more excited than for his birthday. He marks it on his calendar, and checks each week before trash pickup to make sure it isn’t THE DAY.

A week or so before THE DAY, Bill begins collecting junk to put on the curb. There are some rules. Denver Waste Management prefers to have things in black garbage bags, because black garbage bags matter. Though they might matter, they are not essential. We could put out an old sofa or a mattress, and they will take that as well. Still, those who know Bill understand that the man loves cutting up things and putting them in the trash. Back in 2011, he cut up an old sofa with a bread knife. My one and only bread knife, as a matter of fact. When I figured out what he was doing, my head nearly exploded.

“That’s our only bread knife,” I shouted.

“I’ll buy you another,” he said, nonplussed as he continued to put pieces of the sofa in black garbage bags.

His focus this time was cleaning our back yard shed, which desperately needed cleaning out. Every morning he would hike to the back of our yard where our shed lives. He would pull things out, give them a good look, and then set it aside. Right side stayed, left side would go bye-bye on Large Item Pickup Day.

One of the things that he was set on getting rid of was a tall Rubbermaid cabinet which we bought 28 years ago when we moved into out house. For a while, it contained all of the necessary accoutrements for our hot tub. Our hot tub stopped working a number of years ago, and Bill cut that up and sent it packing a few Large Item Pickup Days ago. I’m happy to say he didn’t use one of my nice Wusthof knives that time. Fearing the wrath of this Nana, he bought a chain saw for just that purpose.

The cabinet was falling apart, and had become entirely useless except as a spot for squirrels to poop. So once he had the cabinet emptied, out came the chainsaw. Every morning I would hear the motor running as he cut up the cabinet into pieces that would fit in black garbage bags. There probably was a reason he didn’t want to just set the whole thing out on the curb. Perhaps he just didn’t want anyone thinking he was Jed Clampett. Neighbors already suspect I’m Granny Clampett.

Beginning yesterday, we (and when I say we, I mean Bill) started taking things to the curb…..

I’m pretty sure on Large Item Pickup Day, trash collectors draw straws, with the one drawing the short straw making his/her way to Olive Street.

2 thoughts on “Let Me Tell You a Story ’bout a Man Named Jed, Er, Bill

  1. This post made me happy for so many reasons. I agree with Jennie about the sofa/bread knife story being a legend. And I love me some references to the Beverly Hillbillies. My favorite show to watch with my dad when I was little.

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